A place that scares me

An imperfect moment 

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I have a habit of screening through pictures, years of pictures, maybe once every week. I have always looked for the perfect moments in the past. For some reasons, I have an ideal version of the past – it is always perfect.

I was born a perfectionist.

I live for the beauty. I have even created some scenes that might just appear in fairy tales. In thousands of pictures, I always dressed up perfectly; the scene was always magnificent. Venice was private, despite millions of fellow travellers. Paris was filled with love, albeit our wicked fights. Even London was always sunny. Someone said I would make a great stage director.

I often ask myself – Is my mind too busy that the present moment never seems so beautiful, until a few years later when I sit down and look at the pictures?

In my present, nothing is ever enough. Some little success has taught me a lot – I felt nothing but emptiness standing on the top of a mountain that I had tried so hard to conquer for so many years. What I thought was “happiness” (perfection) has also taught me a lot – No flower was perfectly beautiful; no moment was perfectly perfect – until a few years later when I sit down and look at the pictures.

I always feel so jealous of the person that carries my face in the images – she always looks so happy and successful. She has everything that I truly desire, although the moments, in reality, were quite imperfect, according to my standards.

At one point I was so overwhelmed with life just going completely different from my plans and expectations, I just sat down…

I sat down and wrote an imperfect book of science (my Master thesis) that had a deadline attached to it.

Then I sat down again…

I sat down and allowed myself to enjoy a full Sunday.

Then I sat down again…

I sat down and texted people – “I am sorry. I think I overreacted!”

Then I sat down again…

I sat down and just listened to someone for hours then told him: “Your stuff is important. I am here for you!”

Then I sat down again…

I sat down and planned some celebrations.

I sat down and breathed!

Staying in the place that scares me the most – (beautiful) imperfection – has been the hardest thing to learn. And I am progressing. Thank God, I am making good use of the lessons!

– Skye

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