“You have changed. You don’t even talk anymore. Why, Skye, why?”
The text reached me almost a year ago. Indeed, my life had changed. After all these years of rejections of all kinds, one day the UK government sent me an email said: “We believe in you and will invest in your future.”
I was showered by hugs, congratulations emails, texts, yet found myself unable to reply to any of those. I stood on a rooftop for a long time, about 10 hours. I cried. As hard to believe as it sounds, I didn’t know if I were happy, I had a panic attack. Everything seemed like an earthquake; the ground shifted. “Maybe I’m too happy!” – I convinced myself.
I had a man in my life at the time. The last time I saw him we sat opposite each other with our laptops. The thought of saying goodbye to him scared the hell out of me. I looked at him very closely that afternoon and didn’t say goodbye.
The following six months were the longest winter of my life. I found myself walking endlessly on the streets of London asking myself endless questions: “What’s next?” – “Why I’m not happy although I am finally being able to fly with own wings?” – “Why am I here on earth?”… At the end of each day, my brain resigned and I cried myself to sleep.
I then travelled, I flew to wonderful cities, went horse riding, brought myself to Skye island where I dreamt about for many years. I desired a moment of joy, yet found myself so disappointed and lost.
One day I heard a voice in my head: “Why do you treat me so terribly Skye? I have worked endlessly for your ambitions, I endured all the storms, I escorted you everywhere on earth, why do you still hate me so much? Why have you never thought, for once, that I’m enough?” – It was the poor me that talked to me. I suddenly realized I have been so hard on myself all the time, I have always dictated the human in me and punished her for every little mistake, I have never been compassionate with myself, I have never let myself go, and worst, I have never truly believed I deserve to be happy and successful. I suddenly realized my enemy.
Things got better quickly as I shifted from punishing myself for little mistakes to rewarding myself for little accomplishments. And honestly, I have never felt this light before; the feeling is almost like walking out of a hurricane, putting on a relaxed knit and stepping out for some air of nonchalance. I am happy things turned out this way.
I can now talk about this horrifying experience with a smile, but it takes courage to even talk about it. My family, my friends, everyone, even myself thought my life was so perfect; and it didn’t make any sense to be depressed. It took courage to let myself accept that I was depressed, then tried to find the way out and looked at things in holistic ways.
To anyone out there who is feeling unwell, although things seem to be alright, it’s okay to feel anything you want to feel. Be a little patience and selfish, give yourself a big hug because you deserve it!